Movement

Transition. I am in a state of transition. Isn't everyone? Aren't we always? Things are constantly changing, and that's the challenge of life: continually finding a balance, trying to keep your feet on solid ground in the ebb and flow, the up and down that is life. Well, for me, it feels like almost nothing in my life is solid. 

I don't have a job, and I don't know what I want to do to earn money and pay my bills. I guess you could say I am a bit "lost." I do have some extremely vague ideas and they are this: (1) I don't think I want to practice law anymore, at least not in the private realm (I did enjoy public defense, and I think I would enjoy working for the government or non-profit); (2) Most of my thoughts on "earning income and being happy at the same time" lead to ideas and dreams of owning my own business.....and that is terrifying for many reasons, though not an inconceivable goal. 

I am also in the process of moving out of my room that I have rented for the past 10 months or so. Where am I moving, you ask? Well, nowhere. Okay, not exactly nowhere. I am moving my possessions to a friend's house for storage for about 2 months while I am in Thailand (Yes! Thailand! Exciting!). When I return from Thailand, life will be one gigantic question mark. For a girl who spent the first 26 years of her life in school, followed by 2 years of working hard as a lawyer, this is unsettling to say the least. I read this statement recently, and it sums up very well what I am feeling: "There is the excitement of open possibility and new beginnings alongside the fear of the unknown, and the removal of the old boundaries and rules of living."

Lately, I have been feeling very vulnerable around all of this uncertainty (freedom?). I have found myself feeling sad, irritable and restless without really understanding why. I was putting up walls and alienating my boyfriend, unintentionally causing pain to both of us. I decided to take some time to myself over the past few days to process and release the emotions and energy I was feeling and to try to find my inner balance once again. I ended up spending a lot of time talking to some of my girl friends - laughing, crying, hugging and generally losing track of time. It was everything that I needed, and I found that during times like this, when the ground below your feet just won't stay still, you can keep your feet grounded on the love and support of your friends. I am so grateful to have friends with whom I can be completely honest and open, with whom I can share my deepest fears and insecurities, and they will not judge me, but they will support me. Last night I came home from dinner with some friends, and I felt so full of love and gratitude, I wanted to burst. 

I don't know if I have quite found my balance yet, but I have taken some positive steps. I have written my intention on the refrigerator: "I trust that my body and my heart can deal with the size of what I am feeling." I am working on remaining calm as I allow my emotions to work themselves out, and I am not allowing my mind to become over-active with analysis or judgment of what I am feeling. I know that I am loved, and with that, I trust in myself and know that "All is well."